Confidence

I would say on average, when I get an idea or a notion in my head worth investment I invest in it. When I think something is a good idea I do it even more often than I normally would. But it's crazy, sometimes I think that even the words that I type are the right things to say. And so I find my confidence and I carry on. I make mistakes, learn and grow. But once I set out on a path and fill my dream with hopes, I gain a weakness. It stems from people who don't understand me, or simply don't wish for me to be who I am. The unacceptence of just one man is enough to hurt me. It breaks me down and my confidence is damaged. I no longer feel as correct in my words or in my actions. I'll give you a perfect example. I was ringing a bell for the salvation army collecting donations. It was in the middle of dead winter and there was a cold, bone biting wind. I was being as happy and as cheerful as I could be. In my heart I was feeling like I was making a difference in the world, and was as positive as I could be. But then an old man approached me and acted with such hatred that the winter got colder, and the winds more bitter. I started to cry right there on the spot, another man walked passed me and just started laughing. It was so cold that my tears hurt as they froze against my face. And so, I called my brother and cried all the way home. My devastation was so much, that he couldn't even talk to me. I couldn't speak, and cried for three days. I had no confidence left. But at the end of the three days I woke up, and grew stronger than I could possibly tell you. I had a new understanding of the world and of myself. And when I left my isolation it was with a great amount of determination.

So, so what if people in this world choose to hate me. So what if no one wants to understand, so what if I am not trusted. So what if you are reading my words with doubt and mockery. Truth is, I am the mountain you cannot climb unless you are capable of love. And if this world cannot love me, if you as a person don't even want to try, then why must I allow myself to suffer from your lack of compassion? Sure it hurts... But I am still me, I am still beautiful. I am in love, profoundly in love. And the object of my desire is a star that I can never touch. It's a dream, it's an idea, it's a fantasy. Truly, unless you were at the top of my mountain with acceptance, love, and understanding than I doubt you could ever come to know the depth of my words. And if you don't give a shit about me... I'm so sorry you felt I wasn't good enough.

I wrote this section of my blog because it recently came to my attention that my words can and will be used against me. But these are my words and if you don't know me, than how could you come to know them? And if you wish ill will towards me because of your own frail heart... Then I wish you the best in life, and when you are ready to understand me I will do my best to explain what you can take in, and in turn I will put my best efforts into understanding you. Hopefully it all comes together in the end.